so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
