Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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