That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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