why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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