i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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