Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
