jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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