so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You ruined the universe
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize