my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
