there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
