you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Im part way to drunk.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
