A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
