there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
