There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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