i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
