how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
