I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
