I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
They are going to name an STD after you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We're too hungover to prance.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
