I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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