Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
