I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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