I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize