So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize