I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
