Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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