Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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