The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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