I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize