your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
