I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
