I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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