A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
