Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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