you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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