Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
