The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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