I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
someone owes me an orgasm
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
