So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
