considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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