I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
