I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
