I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
