Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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