I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
