These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
