I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Everclear isn't food dammit
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
