I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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