i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize