he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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