just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
