i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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