i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
