When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize