tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
