I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
