i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
