I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
