I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
