Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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